


Letters of Life

by mavjade



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars Legends - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Gen, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-03
Updated: 2016-04-11
Packaged: 2018-04-12 17:09:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4487865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mavjade/pseuds/mavjade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben writes letters to those who have impacted him throughout his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Jacen

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for a Writer's Block Challenge over at boards.theforce.net  
> Currently Legends canon through Fate of the Jedi series, but will become AU?  
> It's not necessary to have read Fate of the Jedi to understand.

Dear Jacen,

I think this is kriffing stupid seeing as how you are dead and all, but the therapist dad is making me see thinks it's a good idea. I guess it won't hurt, who am I to argue with a professional head shrinker?

Anyway, I always hear these stories from Aunt Leia and Jaina (though he doesn't tell them often, Uncle Han has a story or two as well) about the kind of kid you were, how you loved animals -all kinds- it didn't matter what species they were, you wanted to know everything there was to know about them. And how you always made these jokes that would make everyone groan. They talk of how you were so in love with Tenel Ka and how even before you told anyone, or maybe even knew yourself, everyone knew, and they thought it was adorable (okay, that was mostly Aunt Leia).

I wish I had known that guy, I think maybe we could have had some fun together. 

It's not like I didn't learn a lot from you, I did, and for that I'm thankful. Some of those things have come in really handy, but when I think of you, I don't think of the times you taught me how to hide in the Force or of the boy that would save an innocent animal at all cost. When I think of you, pain is all I feel. 

Unlike everyone else, Dad doesn't really speak of you. I'm pretty sure he thinks about you and of that boy you used to be, but I think he feels as though he failed you. We haven't spoken about it, but when someone else mentions your name, I can see the guilt as thought what you did to me, what you did to mom, and what you did to the galaxy was entirely his fault. I guess others think that too. He's been exiled, ordered to have no contact with the Order he's spent his entire life building. 

I guess what I really want to say is I'm angry. Yes, I know anger is of the dark side, but I don't think the old Masters meant for us to bottle it up, I think they meant for us to find a way to let go of it. (I guess that's what this letter is supposed to do for me.) You didn't actually believe in the dark side anyway, did you? 

Why did you use me as a pawn in your games? Was it because of who I am or was it because I was a convenient target? I hope I was just a convenient target, that you weren't using me to specifically get to mom and dad. If I was just convenient it wasn't personal and I could have been anybody. Since you can't tell me, I'm going to think that was the case. 

While what you did to me has left scars, physical and mental (you tortured me, my therapist says I should call it what it was), it's what you did to our family that hurts the most. You took my mom away from me. You took my dad's wife, one of the only people he could every truly be himself around. You almost took my dad from me by taking mom. 

I'll never for to know my mom as a person, I was too busy being a kid who thought they knew everything and I pushed her away. You took what was supposed to be the most carefree years of my life from me and left a scarred shell. 

You took Aunt Leia and Uncle Han's child away when they had already lost one. You took Jaina's twin from her and forced her to choose between the love she had for you and the rest of the galaxy.

You took a lot and only gave very little. At least that's what it feel like to me. 

No one talks about it, the last few years of your life. It's almost as though you died during the war with the Yuuzhan Vong, I guess in a way you did. But to everyone outside our family you certainly didn't die. What you did is a stain on the Jedi Order and to the Solo/Skywalker name, people are afraid of us, afraid to let us help. 

I know this letter is a rambling mess, but I guess I do feel a little bit better. Maybe it wasn't so stupid after all. 

I really don't know what else to say. I don't know if I'll forgive you, right now I doubt I ever will, but I do hope you've found peace. 

 

~Ben


	2. Mara

Dear Mom, 

I wrote a letter to Jacen and it seemed to help, at least somewhat, so my head shrinker said maybe I should write one to you. (Yes, dad made me see a therapist. I don't know if he's going to her too, but I think he probably is. I kinda hope he is. Don't tell him this because I'm always complaining about it, but I actually like talking with her.)

I argued with Salya (that's the head doc's name) that I'm not angry with you so why should I write to you like I did Jacen? She said, "Give it a try, you might be surprised at your feelings." So here it is. 

I may not be angry with you, but I am angry at myself. I can't stand the thought that you died thinking I was mad at you. It sounds so cliche, the whole 'you were mad at me and died' thing, but I think back to the way I treated you and dad in the months before your death... before you were murdered. (It's terrible, I can hear Salya in my head as I'm writing, "It's okay to say your mother was murdered, Ben." ) Dad says you both knew to expect that from a teenager and that you didn't think I was actually mad at you, but I still can't help but hate it. (Yes, I realize I'm still technically a teenager, but I like to think I've matured somewhat since then.)

I hate that I was responsible for getting you killed, that while I didn't actually do the act, you were protecting me at a time when I didn't think I needed protecting. I hate thinking that Jacen used me to get to you. I guess I am angry, considering how many times I've used the word hate, but I'm angry that you died and I might have be a part of it, I'm not angry at you. 

I know what you would say, that you would have done anything for me or dad, that your love for us meant everything to you. Yes, I do remember you whispering that as I fell asleep when I was little. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone about your 'secret' softy side. But knowing what you would say and actually feeling it are two different things.

One thing that I'm starting to realize is that we never got the time we needed to really know each other. When I was little there as always some war or some fight; I don't blame you for going, not at all, I know you were doing what needed to be done. But I can't help feeling that I wish we had some more time then, now that we won't get anymore. 

Dad talks about how he dreams of you, how you are never far from his side, even now, just as you were in life. I wish I could say the same thing. When I do dream, the only thing I feel is darkness and pain. I usually don't remember much when I wake up, usually to dad shaking me awake, but it's then I most wish to see you in my mind. 

When that happens -dad waking me up from some nightmare- is usually when we talk about you the most. There's just something about the middle of the night that makes talking so much easier, as though any pain it brings up will be gone when the sun comes up. 

He sometimes tells me stories I've heard over and over, about how you guys didn't get a long (I love that this is how you put it when I was younger. I've since learned the truth when Uncle Han let it slip. Don't worry, I think it makes the story even better.) and some of your adventures together pre-having a child. But sometimes he tells me stories of things that would seem so insignificant if you were to just hear about it and weren't connected to it, but I love them none the less. I love them because when he talks about you, his face softens and I can see the love he still has for you in his eyes. 

I hope I can find that for myself one day. (Don't worry, I'm not in a hurry.) 

He also tells me stories that would be embarrassing to me if anyone was around, like the first time you changed my diaper and how you'd never done it before. It was gross, I really don't even want to think about it, but dad and I laugh together and I imagine what your face would have looked like, pinched with anger and yet, trying not to laugh and or kill dad for laughing. I know dad can see it all happening in his mind while we talk, his eyes stop being so empty and come alive. Right now, these are the moments I live for.

I guess all my rambling here is to say I'm sorry we don't get to laugh like dad and I do now, that we never will get to experience all the things we're going to miss out on. But I'm happy I had you when I did and I'm proud of the woman you were and proud to say I'm your son. I hope you'd be proud of me. (Dad says, he knows you are.) 

 

I miss you.

 

I love you.

 

\- Ben


	3. Luke

Dear Dad,

It's been a while since I wrote one of these letters, thankfully I haven't needed to in a long time. I remember the day you took me to the psychologist for the first time, I was so upset you thought I needed fixing. But soon after I started seeing her, I realized it was helping, though of course, I was loathe to admit it. Did I ever thank you for making me see her? I doubt I did, I was too young to really realize the impact of Jacen and Mom's death on my life.

I'll say it now, thank you.

One of the things the psychologist had me do at the time was write letters in order to get my feelings organized and out in the open. I wrote one to Jacen telling him how he hurt me, hurt us. I wrote one to mom telling her how I missed her and how I wished we'd had more time. Writing to them, even though it was something no one would see but me, really did help me sort out my feelings, especially because they were gone.

So now I'm writing one to you.

First, I want to thank you, and not just as your son, I want to thank you as a being of this galaxy. You were pulled from your childhood and thrust into saving us all, something you did over and over again, often to your own determent and to the disdain of others. The sacrifices you made were astounding and they could have destroyed you, but they didn't.

I do also want to thank you as your son, I don't know what might have become of me without you calming wisdom. I know you were devastated when mom died and there for awhile, I thought I was going to lose you too, but you pulled yourself out of your grief and did what needed to be done, as you always have. I'm so glad you decided to stick with us all, continue to teach what you knew and had learned of the Force. I know it could not have been easy when you barely knew anything yourself in the beginning.

Do you remember that time a few years after mom died that I wanted to go off on my own and see the galaxy? I know you didn't want me to go, and I said some terrible things to you, but you didn't hold me back and welcomed me home with open arms. I still feel terrible for the things I said, but I think I learned so much from you in that moment, I certainly didn't see it that way at the time, though. To watch someone do something you know is a terrible idea must be so difficult, even knowing it's something that must be done. I hope I remember that lesson when the day comes that my children need to be set free.

I'm so grateful that you lived to see me find someone that I love as much as you loved mom. And now that I've experienced that love, I'm so amazed at how you hung on and didn't try to join her as soon as you could, I really don't know that I would be so strong. I'm so happy that you got to know the love of my life and that you loved each other. That your granddaughter got to know you and will remember you so fondly. Jade will remember your laugh as she danced around, spinning until she would fall over. She'll remember how you would make her "owies" go away, not with the Force but with a hug and a kiss... okay, and maybe just a bit of Force healing.

I'm sad that your grandson won't get to experience those things with you. Yes, Lakara is pregnant. We had planned to tell you soon, but we never got the chance. It kills me that I didn't tell you as soon as we knew, we selfishly wanted to keep it just between us and now we'll never have the chance to see the look on your face. But please know that our son will know you and mom, that our daugther will not forget you and you will both will always be in their lives.

Other than my wife and children, I think my proudest moment was when I became a Master. I know this wasn't something you did because I am your son, but because you and the other Masters felt like I was worthy of such rank. To have it be you who you bestow me with the rank, not because you were Luke Skywalker, but because you are my father was a moment I will always treasure.

It wasn't easy being Luke Skywalker's kid. Other kids were always thinking I got special treatment, but I never looked at you as the figure head of society as others did, but just as my dad and that's exactly how you treated me. I know you must have been very busy, but you never failed to have time for me, even once I became and adult. You never failed to have time for Lakara and Jade, no matter what time of day or night or what else was going on.

As much as I'm going to miss our late night talks about mom, life, children and as much as I'm going to miss how tight your arms went around me every time you hugged me, the way you made Jade laugh when she was hurt or upset, how you'd check on Lak when I was away, as much as I'm going to miss all those things and more, I'm glad you can finally be at rest.

I'm happy you and mom can finally be together again. Just don't forget to check in on us everyone now and then, okay?

I love you. Rest well.

\- Ben


	4. Letter 4: To His Son

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really know where this one came from, I didn't have it planned in my original idea. I sat on it quite a while to see if I could let it go, I couldn't, even though it was pretty hard to write. 
> 
> There is a trigger warning for this one, I've put it in the end notes for those who would like to see it before reading.

Dear Mies,

 

You always were such a smart kid, your mother and I could never really keep up with you. Oh, we have our own intelligence, but yours was something so different than either of ours. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were more a Solo than a Skywalker, you have so much of my Uncle Han in you. 

 

You would always be taking something apart; I'd turn around for just a few seconds and when I'd turn back you'd have the comm unit in pieces all over the floor. Thankfully, you were not only adept at taking things apart, but putting them back together. When you were a little older you would always "improve" upon things, and usually you actually did. It was then that we knew you had a gift. 

 

We also knew pretty early on that the Jedi life wouldn't be for you. Your sister took to the calm and measured life, but you never did. If I were to say I wasn't disappointed that you wouldn't follow in my footsteps, well, that would be a lie and a lie right now would serve no purpose. But I did my best to not show you that disappointment, I never wanted you to know how much I wanted to eventually have the relationship with you that I had with my father.

 

But now I have to wonder if you did see and feel that disappointment, and I wonder if that added to your grief. I worry that you felt less loved than your sister because she had chosen our way of life. That was never the case, your mother and I love you both with all our hearts and never wanted you to feel anything less than the pure love we had for you. 

 

But look at me now, telling you what I wanted, and what I hoped, but I don't know… will never know if you knew those things. Is that all I did? Hoped that you knew? Did I tell you? 

 

I don't know. 

 

I will tell you now, that I am so proud of the person that you are… were. Is that something else I never said? When you came to tell us you had gotten into Coruscant University, I don't think I stopped smiling for days. And when you graduated and got a job with VerTech I was so happy because I knew you were happy. You told us all of the things you wanted to design and improve. All the ways you were going to help people, the same thing your mother and I always wanted to do as Jedi, you were just going to do it in your own way. And we knew you would do it, did do it. 

 

I wonder how I missed that things had changed?

 

If I had told you all of the things I had wished for you, would you have told me more about your life?

 

Did you feel isolated? Did you feel there was no one who would understand? No one who would care? Did you tell me and I just didn't hear what you were really saying? I have so many questions, so many regrets. 

 

I would give anything to see your face again, to hear your voice. To walk into our weekly family dinners and see you still torturing your older sister; Both of you laughing and picking at each other while you mother sits back and rolls her eyes. 

 

For the second time in my life I'm seeing a therapist. The first time I was so angry and did not want anything to do with it, this time I knew I had no choice. The first time I was so angry because I felt my life had been taken from me, my mother had been murdered at the hands of my cousin. I was in a lot of pain and very angry. Perhaps it's due to the amount of time that has passed and my anger from that time has dissipated, but the pain I feel now dwarfs the pain of that time, like a young star in the shadow of a super nova. 

 

I'm not angry this time, at least not yet. And when I am and I know I will be, the only anger I will feel will never be at you, only at myself. Anger that there was something I could have done. That I could have seen a way to help you. But for now, heartbreak is all I feel. It's as though someone ripped out my heart and took it away from me. 

 

I hope you are free now, my son. Free of the thoughts and feelings that were plaguing you in this life. I know you never embraced the Jedi life, but the Force was always with you and I know that in it, you will always be with me. 

Rest well my son. 

Love always, 

 

Dad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning-- References to an original character's off-screen suicide. Relatively vague, no description, but I don't think it's ambiguous.


	5. Letter 5: To Jade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Letter to his daughter on her wedding day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the last letter, I think my muse thought I should add something a little lighter. Originally this story was only going to be about death, but I also didn't expect to write the previous story either.   
> There should be one, maybe two more letters, though I have thought of a companion piece to go with this.

My lovely Jade,

I typically have written these letters when negative emotions became too much and I needed an outlet to deal with them. It's been my method for releasing those strong emotions since I was a teenager and it has served me well. But today I find I need to let go of a different, yet no less powerful emotion. If we're being truthful, and I guess I must be truthful with myself, it's actually quite a few emotions. 

 

Pride.

I've always been proud of you. As a child, you were playful and fun, but always willing to listen. Well… almost always. But as you've grown, the pride I feel for you continues to grow. You've become an intelligent, compassionate, and humble person. I'm even prouder of you today, not because you are getting married, but because you've overcome so much before getting to this point. While I can't pretend to know what it was like to have your heart so completely broken by someone who was only out for themselves, I know as a father it was something that hurt me to watch you have to go through that anguish. You've not allowed that to rule your life even though it could have, easily. You have found it in yourself to be trusting again, to allow yourself to love and to be loved by someone else. You may not know what kind of strength that takes, but I do. 

 

Heartbreak.

Yes, I'll admit, I'm heartbroken by my little girl leaving me. I know it's irrational, you haven't lived with us for years. You haven't been a child for quite some time, but to your mother and I, you'll always be our baby. I know you aren't mine to keep, you aren't anyone's, you are your own person, and just because you are bonding to someone doesn't mean anything between us changes. I know you'll still come to my office to have caff and discuss the frustrating students, you'll still come over for a meal with your mother and I. I know things won't change, but there is that part of me that feels like I'm letting you go. This is probably why you will never see this letter. I don't want you to feel anything but joy. This is my feeling, my problem, not yours. 

It may be irrational, but I feel it none the less. 

 

Joy.

I'm so happy that you've found someone you feel the same way as I feel about your mother, the way my parents did for each other. You would have been fine on your own, of this I am certain, you need no one to completely you. But since you've been with Rig, to have someone you trust completely, a partner to share your life with has brought even more light to your life. I can see it in your face when you speak of him; The joy you exude is contagious and other can't help but feel it too. 

I'm not only joyful that you have found this in Rig, but that we get another member of our family. I'm looking forward to continuing my relationship with him, to get to know him even better, to think of him as a son. He makes you happy, so he makes me happy. 

 

Sadness.

With all the happiness, I can't help but think of how your brother would have felt about all of this. I know Mies would have loved Rig, thought of him as a brother. I am sad that your brother won't ever get the chance to know him or the opportunity to know you as you are now. I'm sad that he never got to experience love as you have. That maybe if he had found someone who understood him, things might have turned out differently. I think of him every day and wonder how he would feel about every situation that arises and today is no different. I'm sad he isn't here with us.

But this isn't a time to be heartbroken or sad; it's a time for joy and love, and that is my wish for you. That your life, no matter where it leads you is as full of as much happiness as possible. That you love fully and that you are loved as you should be. 

 

Love always, 

 

Dad


End file.
